Lessons With Mr Dragmire
by Loreille
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if Gannondorf got his own tv show teaching people how to become insane and evil just like him? Well now you do.read.review, like it.


- Lessons with Mr Dragmire-  
  
Disclaimer: once again, I do not own Zelda or any of the characters. So you can't sue me. Ha! In your face Nintendo!!! *Gets chased by Nintendo lawyers in black tuxedos* AHHHHH RUN AWAY!!!!! Anyway enjoy Gannondorf's evil ways (Being PG13 I'll try not to swear as much as even though it pains me to stop doing so)  
  
************ ~ As we close into the studio, the camera man (Mikau) takes a close up shot of Gannondorf and corny music plays. Mikau keeps putting the camera closer and closer then it whacks Gannondorf in between the eyes. ~  
  
Mikau: oh sorry dude my bad! *Reels in camera*  
  
Gannondorf: * is enraged* OWWW! MY FREAKIN NOSE!  
  
Mikau: dude... like get over it.  
  
Gannondorf: * looks up at Mikau* shouldn't you be dead?  
  
Mikau: uh...urm...eh... hey look dude it's starting!  
  
~ Once again corny music plays and lights flash on and off giving little kids at home seizures ~  
  
Gannondorf: * clears throat* hello there all you pitiful mortal fools. My name is Gannondorf, king of evil, king of thieves, prince of darkness, former and yet to be again ruler of Hyrule, King of Gerudos, lord of evilll, Ganny (as nicknamed by Loreille) Gannon, ruler of you all MWHAHAHAHA – or as my mother liked to call me – snochoom  
  
~ A screen comes up for the audience to awww but no body says anything ~  
  
Gannondorf: hec hem, yes well, I have been forcefully sent to tv land to teach you pathetic humans about my victorious evil wayssss!  
  
Person in audience: so you're not going to teach us anything then?  
  
Gannondorf: yes...I just said...I'm going to teach you about my victorious evil wayssss.  
  
Person in audience: but you've never actually succeeded...  
  
Gannondorf: uh...yes...but...OH SHUT UP! *Throws ball of magic at person in audience and they blow up*  
  
Osama Binladin watching show on a stolen tv set: I love it when things blow up!! KABOOOMM! * Blows up his tv set with an explosive device* oh...Binladin blow up favourite tv show...now I won't know how to take over America...*blows himself up * yowch. That smarts. HA...HA! KABOOOMMM!! HA HA!  
  
Gannondorf: it was unfortunate that the mortal had to die *doesn't really give a s*** * ...now...onto the lessons!!  
  
EVIL LESSON 1 -  
  
Gannondorf: Choose a large; easy to cut into three pieces shape, that will take priority over your life for the next couple hundred decades.  
  
Another stupid person in audience: But, mortals don't live for hundred of decades!!  
  
Everyone: YEAH MR DRAGMIRE!!!  
  
Gannondorf: oh. Then, choose one that will keep you busy till next Thursday.  
  
EVIL LESSON 2 –  
  
Gannondorf: choose, a particularly good insane laugh.  
  
Person in audience: how bout...Tee Hee Hee -^-^-?  
  
Gannondorf: I'm not even going to answer that.  
  
English person in audience: how about...pip pip! Jolly good show?  
  
Gannondorf: HOW WOULD THAT SCARE ANYONE!?  
  
English person: I thought it sounded pretty polite! En garde ye scallywag!  
  
Gannondorf: ...moving on...  
  
EVIL LESSON 3 –  
  
Gannondorf: Next, learn how to play a hauntingly terrifying tune on an instrument of your own, personal choice.  
  
Person in audience: *takes out ocarina*  
  
Gannondorf: GAHHHHH!! * Stomps up to person and takes away their ocarina* anything but THAT!! * Starts remembering Links songs* *shivers * brrrr... he really could not play that thing...  
  
Link: * stands up from audience* COULD SO!  
  
Gannondorf: let us be reminded of the several lessons you had to take TO LEARN ONE BLOOMING NOTE!  
  
Link: well, it was hard okay!? First you had to whip out the damn thing, and then you had to play it with your eyes closed!!! In front of someone! Sometimes they nicked my stuff while I had my eyes shut!!!  
  
Gannondorf: brrrr...it seems we are all musically challenged...  
  
EVIL LESSON 4 – (you feeling evil yet?)  
  
Gannondorf: All right since all of you including Link who is here for unknown reasons, have practically failed all lessons... I shall have to start from the basics!  
  
Loreille: I thought this was the basic stuff...* rips up notes*  
  
Gannondorf: arghhh don't rip up...* slaps his head* well... now you must learn...to steal.  
  
Person in audience (ya know you love these people): isn't that illegal?  
  
Gannondorf: This whole show and everything your learning here is freakin against the law!!! WHAT DID YOU THINK I WOULD TEACH YOU?!  
  
Person in audience: I thought you would teach us how to fight like you.  
  
Gannondorf: MWHAHAHAHA!! YOU THINK I- THE EVIL KING WOULD BE SO STUPID AS TO TELL YOU MY TRAINING REGIME FOR MAKING ME THIS STRONG?! Especially as Kirby's here...and he has been known to copy peoples abilities...  
  
Everyone: KIRBY!!!  
  
Kirby: * scratches head* but i uh...they weren't copyrighted!!  
  
Gannondorf: I wish you were dead.  
  
Kirby: I wish you were dead too.  
  
EVIL LESSON 5 –  
  
Gannondorf: I'm tired of the basics. I'm not your flipping teacher so listen up!  
  
Loreille: that sentence made absolutely no sense.  
  
Gannondorf: I am evil. I have no need to make sense. Now....to truly be evil you must....sit on your butt all day in a throne...yes I know...very conceited... then let your minions do EVERYTHING for you even though you know they'll fail miserably and you will have to fight the hero in the end anyway.  
  
Loreille: once again makes no sense...  
  
Gannondorf: I KNOW IT DOES'NT MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE WOMAN!! BUT WHAT SORT OF HELL WILL THE HERO IN STUPID WHITE BODY LENGTH TIGHTS AND A GREEN DRESS GO THROUGH IF I DID'NT DO THAT!?  
  
Loreille: ooo! Good point!  
  
Gannondorf: * has headache* I hate public television.  
  
EVIL LESSON 6 –  
  
Gannondorf: right you pitiful excuse for students I am going to teach you the most important evil rule there is!!!  
  
~ Flashing sign comes up for everyone to gasp in amazement but there's silence ~  
  
Makau: you're a sell out dude!  
  
Gannondorf: oh just go back to your stupid camera life.  
  
Malon: so what's the lesson?! I HAVE THE NEEDDD TO KIIIIILLLL!! * starts frothing at the mouth*  
  
People in audience next to Malon: *start backing away*  
  
Gannondorf: I shall demonstrate it to you all.  
  
Everyone: ALL RIGHT!  
  
Gannondorf: ......to disappear before your eyes!!!! *sprinkles confetti everywhere* *Runs offstage*  
  
Everyone:..  
  
Loreille: ah...technique number 22 ...to run away like a cowardly...coward...WAIT- GANNONDORF!!! GET BACK HERE!! *Runs out following him* YOU HAVE'NT PAID ME FOR PUTTING YOU ON THE AIR YET!!!  
  
Gannondorf: duh I just realised I was broke. That's why I'm running.  
  
Loreille: *is out of breath already* huff... huff...hey....come back here you...ah forget it. * goes back inside*  
  
Everyone: WE WANT EVIL LESSONS! WE WANT EVIL LESSONS!  
  
Loreille: oh great NOW you want them! Well...link can give you lessons...right link?  
  
Link: *stuffing his face with popcorn* ya what?  
  
CUDDLY CUTE LINKY LESSONS –  
  
Link: hey ...uh I'm not evil...I only came here for the food... so uh yeah here's my personal lessons of being...scary! * looks up* Hey...what's with the lesson name!?  
  
Mikau: your not a scary dude ...dude.  
  
Link: ¬¬ yeah well... first you have to...dress scary! ^-^ * puts on bunny hood* *starts hopping around like a deranged toad * hop hop hop around! Stamp stamp stamp the ground!  
  
Audience: ... YOU SUCK MAN!  
  
Link: I TOLD YOU I'M NOT – *gets knocked out by someone throwing their chair at him* +-+  
  
Loreille: * steals links popcorn* mwhaha I knew this would happen to link!  
  
Makau: you just did that to him to get free eats didn't you dudette?  
  
Loreille: * starts munching on popcorn* yup.  
  
~ The End ~  
  
***************  
  
And so Gannondorf's uh... rather non-lasting lessons have come to a close. Time flies by when your...uh typing. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEND IN REVIEWS!!! It makes me happy to see what you thought! Okays I'll stop annoying you people now...but...remember to...REVIEW! * is on knees* I beg of ye people! Now... I must go do my homework...before my mum comes in and finds out that I've been skiving it off to write fanfics again...so... REVIEW! 


End file.
